kRiding in a limosine with The Brand is an experience to say the least.  Granted, I’ve never really had to struggle for money; but, as a wrestler I can definitely say that I’ve stayed in hotel room shittier and smaller than the inside of this luxurious accommodation.

We ride through the streets of Los Angeles as The Brand points out the sights of the city as if we care. 

 

“Here’s where Kobe Bryant lives.  Here’s where Kobe gets breakfast.  Here’s where Kobe gets his car refueled.  Here’s where Kobe may or may not have raped a woman…”. 

 

Etcetera Ad Nauseum.

 

His homerisms for the former NBA MVP is only matched by his random insertion of Brett Favre references.  He and Legion entertain themselves by quoting popular internet saying about Chuck Norris and making them fit the legendary gun slinging quarterback.

 

“Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep…he waits.”

 

“Well The Brand thinks that Brett Favre doesn’t retire...he waits; better.”

 

I swear it’s a fucking competition between them.  The good news is that every sentence The Brand utters seems to become more and more logical; at least someone is sobering up.  Then again, Legion’s not even drunk. 

 

In the words of Rascal Flatts:  yep, these are my people.

 

On any other night I’d be arguing with the two of them about why Miley Cyrus is better than both Chuck Norris AND Brett Favre, but I still can’t get myself past the events of the evening.  First being flown by The Brand to Los Angeles as a means of forgetting about the issues with my wife.  Then ‘running into’ James fucking Raven who was flown here by The Brand to have ME plan his bachelor party.  Then there’s the whole being arrested thing.  Then being bailed out of prison by The Brand as he was holding the hand of one of my wife’s best friends. 

 

Yeah, and the people on Jersey Shore have it tough.  Although I won’t lie, I’m secretly routing for Snookie to find a good man.

Being stuck in this limo with the sum of my life’s problems is trying enough.  Staring across the row of people between myself and my wife is becoming a burden.  I wonder what I did so wrong in a previous life to be stuck in this situation with the Legion’s, Chad’s, Dunham’s, and Raven’s of the world.  It’s times like these I honestly miss the days when not even a condom could get between me and my wife.  Unfortunately, those days are far behind me.

 

Being here is miserable enough, realizing that I have Chad sitting on my left and Raven sitting on my right is just adding fuel to an already miserably warm situation.  Honestly…this is what hell is going to be like.

 

“You realize if I didn’t have to cross you to do it I’d kill him, right?”

 

I say the words to Raven, but I say them loudly enough so that Davey, sitting on Raven’s right, can hear them clear as day.

 

“You’re really going to blame your laziness on me?  Let’s be honest, if I wasn’t here and Dunham was still out of arms reach you STILL wouldn’t move to hurt him.  Right Davey?”

 

Davey goes to answer, but slowly thinks better of it.  Davey’s a good kid from what I hear about him, but that still doesn’t excuse him from being at a bar with my wife.  Much less a bar half way across the country from where all parties are supposed to be.

 

“You’re right, Raven, I didn’t consider the added bonus of killing you to get to him.  You know, if it weren’t for you following me all fucking day I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.”

 

“Yeah, I forgot to apologize.”  He raises his hands providing a visual scale for me to judge his sarcasm.  “Hmm…passed out in your own vomit listening to Kenny G songs…OR riding in a luxurious limousine with the XWF elite, YOUR WIFE, and all the free alcohol you can drink.  What was I thinking?”

 

“Where exactly does the company of Legion and Chad factor into your statement about the elite?”

 

“Fine.  I’m sorry.  Better?”

 

“I still wanna know why Davey was with them in the first place…”

 

“Because I told him to, you moron.  Davey came out for my bachelor party and when I saw your wife and her friends at the bar I figured SOMEONE should keep an eye on them.  Your panties were already in a bundle, Shank, I really didn’t like the idea of watching them spring a leak if you saw her with another dude.”

 

Raven did something nice for me?  Forget my previous statement about what I imagine hell to be like…this IS hell.

 

“And you couldn’t fucking tell me?”

 

“I’ve always heard you hate talking to everybody on the roster.  I assumed James would.”

 

Good point, what’s Raven’s excuse?

 

“Do you know anything about me at all?”

 

Why do I even bother?

 

“That still doesn’t explain why they were hanging all over you, Davey.”

 

“What?  I’m not ALL business, Nicole’s pretty hott.”

 

While he whispers the first part of his statement, he almost shouts the second part so he’s sure Nicole hears him from the other side of the limo.  Her smile confirms two things for me.  First of all, I’ve all but confirmed I’m a genius – that was too easy.  Secondly, I’ve also realized Davey is a pretty fast learner.  We won’t even get into the repercussions of the possibility that he won over Nicole, from what I understand she’s pretty much a dyke.  Well played, Davey.

On the other hand, if Davey chooses to learn from me I’m also hoping he hasn’t picked up on the whole ‘adultery habit.’  Last I heard he was dating some good girl.  Oh well, what happens in LA stays in LA I suppose. 

 

Yeah, as if that attitude ISN’T what got me in this whole mess in the first place.

 

The limousine comes to a screeching halt interrupting my train of thought as The Brand takes this opportunity to remind us that he is out host.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Castle de Primo.  Male convicts will be frisked and searched before entering the premises, female convicts will be strip-searched.  Welcome to La La Land ladies and gentlemen.”

 

He smiles as his chauffeur opens the door and we step outside to take in the circus that the XWF Legend calls home.  Though it’s the middle of the night, everything is lit up.  The warm LA air hits my face and it feels different than it did earlier…I guess everything really is better when you’re in the presence of The Brand. 

 

…And all this time I honestly just thought he was full of shit.

 

One by one I watch the passengers of the limousine step out and share the same experience that I had.  There’s a full golf course on the property, lit up even in the dead of night.  Several stages for what I can only imagine The Primo uses for private Jonas Brothers concerts and a fully staffed outdoor bar functioning as if it was completely full of patrons – although it appears their only regular is The Brand himself.  A scantily dressed waitress greets us at the limo with a rocks glass prepared for The Brand.  Even if The Brand only thinks he is a king, this is one hell of a palace.

 

“You’ll find guest rooms for all inside, please make yourselves comfortable.” 

 

Jess kisses The Brand before heading inside bragging that she’ll show everybody the way.  I turn to follow them, contemplating starting round three with my wife before our host stops me.

 

“Hang out for a few, Shank, I know you can’t say no to a Johnny.”

 

Ahh, a man of my own heart.

 

The Brand snaps his finger and the same barely dressed waitress returns with a glass full of Johnny Walker Blue Label for me.  He notices me smile and takes the opportunity to show off by snapping his fingers again and watching the waitress turn around and shakes her ass a bit bringing her arms to the back of her bra-like top and unsnaps it.  It falls to the ground beneath her feet before she walks away revealing nothing.  Fucking tease.

 

“Just wait till the party tomorrow, Shank, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

 

Fucking teaseS.

 

“I know, asshole, she walked away before I could.”

 

“The Brand never reveals everything old friend, you should know this by now.”

 

“Die.  Painfully.”

 

“The Brand could do that, or he could just get married.  Same difference, right?”

 

“That really isn’t funny dude, this is killing me.  And flying us BOTH out here wasn’t exactly thera-fucking-peudic.”

 

“What? The Brand figured if you saw her with another dude you would finally move on and join the rest of free men in bachelorhood.  Either that or YOU would stop torturing your penis and actually start using it again.  Don’t dare doubt the methods of The Primo, son.”

 

“I’m not doubting your methods, I’m just doubting mine.”

 

“The Brand doesn’t understand.”

 

That’s funny; do I have to start every sentence with The Shank to get through to him?  For Christs’ sakes I feel like I’m talking to his representative every time we try and have a conversation.  Let’s try it his way.

 

“The Shank thinks that maybe, just maybe, he should have realized he had a good thing at home and focused on that.  The Shank thinks he might have screwed up.  The Shank wants to try and fix things.”

 

He pauses for a moment, I’ve never seen him do that.

 

“The Brand thinks talking in the third person is stupid.  But he understands the rest.  He’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

 

What the…

 

“Enjoy the Johnny.”

 

The Brand turns and walks away from me heading inside.  I turn my back and realize Jess is waiting for him in the doorway wearing less than the waitress was wearing and I suddenly understand why I’m no longer a priority for him. 

He meets Jess at the door and puts one arm around her shoulder and the other arm on her ass.  At least one of is going to have a good night.

 

---

 

I wake up the next morning feeling like P-Diddy…

 

…alright; maybe not, but for some reason Ke$ha was on the radio when I woke up.  Same difference I think.

 

I roll over on the couch expecting to see The Brand’s employees preparing the house for the party, but I don’t.  Instead I see Chad and Legion dancing and bobbing their heads to the song for no apparent reason other than a perceived desire to listen to the radio.  I’ll be damned if I’m starting my day on that note.  I’m waking up on the right side of the bed today if it kills me dammit.

 

--

 

I wake up a few hours later in solitude.  This is much more like it.  As I stretch me legs and lift myself from the couch I realize that the house still isn’t ready for Raven’s party.  This should surprise me, but based on the events occurring in my life since landing in LA I’m not the least bit surprised.

 

What does surprise me, on the other hand, is that I’m actually alone for a few minutes upon waking.  I figured someone would have woken me hours ago, or at the very least Desiree would have killed me in my sleep.  I knew she loved me. 

 

Leaving the room I passed out in, I’m too damn conventional for a guest room, I hear The Brand finally acknowledge my wakening.

 

“Shank, The Brand was wondering if you were ever gonna wake up.  The Brand and his guests thought Desiree killed you.”

 

“Yeah, join the club.  Party starting late?”

 

“Actually, there’s been a change of plans.  The Brand has decided that there’s something more important we have to accomplish first.”

 

More important than interviewing strippers, ordering chocolate pudding, and using upper level Calculus to figure out how many kiddie pools we can fit in one room to house said strippers and pudding?  This must be a matter of life and death…

 

Without saying anything else, The Brand puts his arm over my shoulder and sort of guides me towards a large meeting room in his household.  The Brand and I go way back, so I can’t say I’m surprised, but I am a little honored that he’s actually asking me to sit in on a business meeting.  I’m horrified for a brief moment when I realize I could spend the next few hours of my life that might be better spent making jell-o shots listening to dozens of people talk in the third person.  Then again, if this meeting makes me enough money I might pay someone to invent a new perspective for me to speak in.  How does the shank-xth person sound for a new approach to life?

 

Excited and nervous The Brand pushes open the double doors to his meeting room but the scene is not how it should be.  There aren’t business people sitting here in suits, the room is filled with all of the shitheads from the night before.  Desiree and her friends included.

 

“What the…”

 

Before I can finish my thought the doors on the other end of the room swing open and two men walk in holding briefcases…

 

Dr. Emo and The Lunatic?

 

“Welcome to couples therapy, everybody.”

 

Oh F-U-C-K my life…

 

“Now I know you all think of me as Doctor Emo, and I realize this is pretty unprofessional to act professionally in a situation like this; but I also moonlight as a couples therapist.”

 

The only couples he should be giving therapy to our Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson’s nose job; they’re about the only people more screwed up than him.  Speaking of screwed up…

 

“Hiii everybody!”

 

It’s always nice to see Lunatic hanging around.  Crazy prick…

 

“And I know that you all may not like having Looney around, but he serves a vital purpose to my program.”

 

What?  He’s your success story?  Yeah, this isn’t a waste of time at all.

 

“Looney serves as a representation of what can happen to you if you don’t deal with your problems…you go abso-fucking-lutely bonkers.”

 

“Is bonkers a technical term?”

 

At least Raven agrees with me.  By the way, that’s happening entirely too often for my tastes this weekend.

 

“GET OFF MY LAWN!”

 

Looney snaps out at Raven who backs down and kind of cuddles up in his chair. 

 

“So what’ll it be, Shank?”

 

Suddenly the attention in the room turns to me as I’m standing at the door waiting for my chance to make a smart-ass comment and get the fuck out of dodge.

 

“Do you want to be cured, or do you want to end up like the Lunatic here?”

 

I look over at Chad sitting at the table before I realize he’s talking about his partner in crime. 

 

“Allow me a moment to weigh my options – end up like the crazy fuck over here, or waste my time.  Thanks, but I’ll take crazy over retarded any day of the week.  Buh-bye.”

 

I turn to leave the room when The Brand reaches out and slams the doorway in front of me.

 

“Stay…or no bachelor party.”

 

Again, fuck my life.

 

I turn to take a seat at the table when Dr. Emo orders us to partner off.  Davey jumps at the opportunity.

 

“I’ll work with Nicole!”

 

His enthusiasm is inspiring…it just doesn’t inspire me.

 

Like monkeys boarding the arc the people in the room partner off for ‘counseling.’  Nicole and Davey, Jess and the Brand, Chad and Legion(?).  I’m left staring at the two people I hate most in the world right now in Raven and Desiree – I have NEVER been this torn before in my life.  In reality it comes down to boobs versus balls, and boobs should always win.  But this isn’t reality.  I’m in a fucking palace with naked waitresses running around outside and I’m stuck talking about feelings staring down Raven and Desiree.  When did my life become such a joke?

 

Before I can make my choice, like a moron trying to fix up two people at a Junior High Dance Lunatic runs up and grabs Raven by the arm.  Watching the look on Raven’s face as he is dragged away is JUST enough motivation to make me stop hating the situation.  It’s quite possible he’ll be more miserable than I will be.

 

“Let’s get this over with.”

 

I take my seat next to Desiree, who refuses to make eye contact with me but makes a snide comment anyway.

 

“Hopefully it’s like sex and lasts less than a minute.  Here’s hoping.”

 

“If its good sex I’m by myself and it takes much less time.”

 

“Yeah, well if it’s great sex I’m with someone else and I average an orgasm in even less time.”

 

“Oh fuck you, you…”

 

“People, people, people,” Emo may have just bailed me out from doing something really REALLY stupid, “let’s stick with the schedule.  First we have to say something we really like about each other.  Chad, you go first.”

 

Chad hesitates for a moment, but not too long.

 

“I really like the your mom jokes.”

 

“Thank you Chad, I really like your koala bomb jokes too.”

 

“Alright, not exactly what I wanted to hear.  But it’s progress.  Desiree, why don’t you take a turn?  What do you like about Dustin?”

 

“Well, I like that you’re miserable right now.  How’s that?”

 

“It’s fine, and so long as we’re being honest I like that I know you’re on your period right now and you feel fat and have cramps.  P.S., you’re half right.”

 

Desiree stands up to start screaming at me before Lunatic interrupts by jumping out of his chair and sticking his nose into the back of Desiree’s head.

 

“I like the way your hair smells.  It smells fantastic!  Do you use the same shampoo, James?”

 

James gives Looney a snide look and pushes him away before he can catch a whiff.

 

“I like that I could break you without actually breaking a sweat.  Wanna watch?”

 

“Alright, I’m thinking we should move on to phase two of my program.  In this step we actually break down the problems between everybody.  Jess, would you like to talk about any issues between you and our host?”

 

“Yes, Doctor Phil.”

 

“My name’s Emo…”

 

“Well, Phil, The Brand is a very affectionate man.  We spend nights talking about our passions and listening to love songs from the eighties.”

 

The Brand rolls his eyes as she continues.

 

“But The Brand honestly just doesn’t understand me.  And he sort of neglects my texts from time to time.  And I think he’s cheating on me.”

 

In a true Zack Morris moment, The Brand rises from his chair ushering a ‘timeout’ with his hands.

 

“Time out.  First of all The Brand doesn’t understand you because he doesn’t choose to understand you.  He ignores your texts because he lives in Los Angeles and you live in Pittsburgh and you send him texts at five am YOUR TIME.  And thirdly, he can’t be cheating on you because he’s not dating you.  He met you on BrettFavreFans dot com and agreed to a blind date.  Lastly, The Brand doesn’t even know your last name he just knows you have a nice rack and that’s enough for him.  Has he left anything uncovered?”

 

You can hear the collective jaw of the room drop as Jess’ eyes remain glued on Doctor Emo.

 

“See…I told you he didn’t understand me, Phil.”

 

“Alright, I think I’ve had enough.  Gentlemen, it was fun.  Emo, you’re a loony toon.  Good day all.”

 

I stand from my chair ready to leave the room and to my surprise, nobody stops me.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, Brand DID just get told off by a girl too dumb to strap on a bra and chew gum at the same time.  I reach for the handle and almost have it turned when I hear something strange coming from the back of the room.  It’s almost a whimper, but it catches my attention enough to stop me in my tracks. 

 

“I think he takes me for granted.”

 

Call me crazy, but that sounded like my wife’s voice.

 

“I mean I gave my whole life for him and I sit at home every week and watch him philander around on national TV like I don’t exist.”

 

My wife knows what the word philander means?  Learn something new everyday.  By the way, she’s now talking directly at me.  This should be fun.

 

“I just don’t understand what I did to make you cheat on me.  I gave you a daughter, I gave you my youth, I gave up everything I used to be for you.  Why wasn’t that enough?”

 

I should take this opportunity to remind her of everything I’ve given her.  I gave her a prenup, which means she gets half of every fucking ticket I sell.  I gave her a life where she could be a stay at home and still carry Prada bags to the mailbox when she leaves the house once a day.  I gave up wrestling for her…TWICE (so maybe that’s not a great argument given our current situation).  She has never had to ask twice for as long as we’ve been together.  In fact, as far as I’m concerned the only person who has ever had to ask for ANYTHING in our relationship was me asking for sex; and that’s one question too fucking many. 

 

I should tell her all of these things, instead she gets this…

 

“Desiree…”

 

She interrupts me, apparently she’s just going ape shit without caring much about what I have to say.  If she pulls out a nine iron I’m going to feel a LOT like Tiger Words.  Either way I commiserate with the bastard, marrying pretty women and then getting rich is just a bad fucking game plan. 

 

“Dustin, I have to tell you something.  I never wanted to tell you this, especially not in front of all these people I hardly know, but you need to know regardless.”

 

What can she possibly say to make this worse?  I’m already in hell.

 

“Dustin, I never cheated on you.”

 

Say what?

 

“I only said that I did to make you jealous.  I didn’t want it to come to this; I just wanted to punish you when I got that letter in the mail talking about all your women.  I was so mad I didn’t know what to do.”

 

I’m not sure who’s more shocked, me or Desi’s friends.  Well, shocked isn’t a good word for me – more like stupefied.

 

“So it was all a lie?  You told me all of this to torture me?”

“Yeah, at first; but I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that.  I should have handled it better; I should have been more mature.  Dustin, I can’t tell you how much I need you to forgive me.  I love you, and I always have.  I thought I was mad at you, I really did.  I even tried really hard to be upset with you, but I can’t do it anymore.  I guess I’m really just mad at myself for making you cheat.”

 

So I cheated on her and she’s apologizing for not cheating on me.  Did I say hell?  I’m thinking I’m someplace much much cooler.  I’d interrupt, but I don’t see anything I could say improving this situation for me. 

 

“Wait a minute.  You’re apologizing for NOT cheating on your cheating husband?”

 

Nicole interrupts and may have just colored the situation bright enough for even my dim-witted wife to figure out.  I hate you Nicole, I really fucking hate you.

 

“Nicole, there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time now.  I love you, but you need to chill the fuck out.  I love him, and unfortunately there’s nothing any of us can do about that.  Love like this is far too precious to waste, and I don’t plan on trying to explain it anybody else.”

 

As Desiree stands from her chair and starts walking over to me a collective gasp crosses the room.  Except for Raven, of course, he looks legitimately unhappy by all of this.  Condescending prick.

She walks up to me and grabs me with both of her arms around my neck and passionately kisses me.  Needless to say, I kiss back.

 

Before I close my eyes I see the other participants in couples therapy rejoice like they’re actors in a romantic comedy.

Chad and Legion hug with Legion jumping up and down and screaming something about ‘epic pwnage.’

 

Davey takes the initiative and grabs Nicole before she can gather herself from the verbal tongue lashing Desiree gave her and lifts her up in his embrace.  I think I saw him cop a feel but I’m not willing to testify to that.

 

Jess takes the same initiative and lifts The Brand up in her arms.  I definitely saw him cop a feel on the way up and I would swear to that on a stack of bibles.

 

Looney goes to hug Raven who cuts him off by pushing him away and screaming something at him about breaking him in half.

Throughout all of the chaos, Doctor Emo stands triumphantly with his arms spread in front of him celebrating another success story to add to his list as a therapist.  Personally I don’t think he actually did much…actually he didn’t do a damned thing.  Then again, my wife’s wearing cherry lip gloss so I’ll gladly give him some credit for something.  I’m just not sure what yet.

 

As Desiree releases her grasp on my face she maintains her grasp on my neck with her arms as she smiles at me through those innocent (and clearly retarded) eyes.  For some reason, I falter in the moment and actually find myself happy for a brief moment.  That is until Raven decides to break my solitude and interrupt.

 

“Sooooo aren’t we supposed to be doing something?”

 

“Stomping each others faces in?”

 

“Before that.”

 

“Calling you an asshole?”

 

“After that.”

 

“Well, I guess since this is over with now we COULD have a bachelor party.  If Desiree doesn’t mind.”

I wink at my wife who takes a serious stance in my arms.

 

“Yeah, like I’m letting you loose for that.”

 

Raven and I each give Desiree the Michelle Tanner puppy-dog face trying to convince her to cave.

 

“I’m coming too…”

 

Raven does a fist pump and leaves the room.  He’s getting his party and I’m not going to be able to look at any of the strippers.  Meh, partial victory.

 

--

 

Hours pass as I wait at the bottom of the stairs for Desiree to make her way down.  I’m standing in a suit with my arm extended as she makes her way down in a long gown wit Jess and Nicole on her side.  The Brand and Davey step to my side and wait for their dates as well as Raven runs past us in the background screaming something about Chad and a donkey show.  I take Desi’s hand and guide her to the entryway of the rooms where the party is being held.

 

Beyond those doors is single man heaven – strippers, stripper poles, strippers’ underwear.  Beyond that there is alcohol flying everywhere and shot glasses overflowing with the tastes of the evening.  Still staring at my wife Kieran King walks out of the room with an arm over a drunken James Raven.

 

“How’d you get here, champ?”

 

“Meh, random throw-in.”

 

“Doesn’t matter anyway.  Toast?”

 

The Brand snaps his fingers and the waitress from the night before, wearing something vaguely resembling a bra, walks up to us with a tray full of champagne.  We all take a glass and as the man responsible for this party (and the happiest of us all knowing that Raven is entering matrimonial hell) I feel obliged to provide a toast.

 

Staring in the eyes of my wife I lift my glass and say the sappiest fucking thing I can think of.

 

“Here’s to love.”

 

“And…”

 

He’s expecting me to mention him.  Fuck that.

 

I sip the champagne as everybody around me follows my lead.  Desiree kisses me on my cheek…yeah, I’m good at this.

 

“Ready, honey?”

 

“Go on in, I need to thank the host.”

 

She hesitates, but I sooth her worries.

 

“Relax, babe, all the girls are in there, I'm harmless out here.”

 

She finally laughs and starts heading inside with Nicole and Jess behind her.  The Brand looks at me like I owe him something.  I say nothing.

 

“So you’re going to thank The Primo, eh?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Say what?”

 

“I’ll thank you, but I need one more favor first.”

 

“Anything for the man that showed The Brand that love can actually exist in the life of a straight man.”

 

“You still have Aiden Collins’ number, right?”

 

“Yeah, you want the Primo to invite him?”

 

“If you want, that doesn’t matter.  Does he still act?”

 

The Brand nods confirming my question.

 

“I need to hire him.”

“Leaving wrestling for producing shitty movies now, Shank?”

 

“Fuck no, I need something more important.  I need him to play the role of the man who sent my wife that letter.”

 

“That’s nice of you man, giving her closure?”

 

“Fuck no, I want him to pretend her vagina is one of his movies and destroy it to the point where it’s unrecognizable.”

 

The Brand looks shocked.

 

“What the…”

 

“The prenup is void if she cheats on me, call him.”

 

Without another word I turn away from The Brand and take a sip from my champagne.  Then I put on a fake smile and walk inside the party to find my wife.  I almost had it done.  As Desiree grabs my arm and happily kisses my cheek I’m left to realize that almost just wasn’t enough.

 

 

 

Yet…